Hello 2013...You Look Beautiful!

Happy New Years everyone! Yes...I know...I am a week late! I feel like I have been running around nonstop since I rang in the New Year. And yes...this girl made it to midnight for the second year in a row. I am notorious for not making it that late. But I did. And had a great night with some great friends. Everyone was hugging and smooching and toasting and singing and cheering. It was just a happy time. And I smile thinking about it. And that's most important.

I have read so many blogs, tweets, FB statuses, Instagram posts, etc about New Year's Resolutions. This year I am not really making any resolutions. I thought long and hard about what I wanted out of 2013. And two phrases kept popping into my head.

1. Love Fiercely.
2. People ARE what matter.

Those two things have been the motto of my life for the past 3 months. Since Talladega when everything changed and I just got happy. And decided to change. When I decided to stop letting men...or haters...or any person dictate my happiness. It was in that weekend with my best friend Scott...that I decided I was gonna get happy. And I have come A HELL OF A LONG WAY in 3 months. Because I have started to live by the two above principles. And I plan on continuing to live that way.

Why?

Because love is really all we have to give. Any no matter how bad I have been hurt. Or burn. Or betrayed. I will not stop loving with everything I have. My family. My friends. And eventually a man God brings into my life to stay. I have simply stopped hating people. It takes too much energy. Instead I plan on using that energy to love those in my life more fiercely.

And People ARE what matter. I have gone from having THE job and THE house and Money and all things material. But no love. And I was miserable. I was the WORST version of myself I have ever seen. Looking back on that Allie...ugh. I was far away from the people who mattered to me. And then I came back home. Back to Atlanta. No job. Little money. Not an ideal living situation. And a lot of baggage. No insurance. Hurt. Pain. And did I mention baggage LOL! And then...again...Dega happened. And I came home. And did some major thinking. Soul searching. And now...looking back over the last 3 months...I see a version of myself I like. Hell...a version of myself that I am kinda in love with. Because I lost it all. But I didn't lose My People. So all that material crap. Yeh it is important. But it's not what really matters. Our people are what matter.

I have been told by every last person that is close to me over the past few weeks that I am not the same person who left for Charlotte...or that lived in Charlotte...or that came home for Charlotte. But since I decided to let it go and just hold my head high and truly live...I have been the absolute best me anyone has ever seen. And that makes me feel amazing. And happy. And grateful. Lucky. And blessed beyond belief.

My Life...it's not easy...single mom who is still job hunting...but I can tell you this. I am happy. Because People Matter. And I love everyone one of MY people fiercely. And I am going to make that my trend of 2013. So you will probably see this theme pop up on my blog from time to time.

My thinking...I am falling in love with my life. My hope? That once I get a job and my finances are under control....I WILL be in love with my life. And my biggest hope for this year....that I don't forget any of this. But that's the best part of blogging...Once I write it...it's there for me to reread and remember. And that's just perfect.

Thank you to my friends who have helped me along this road and helped me become this happy Allie. CJ..."If I didn't have you" and DANCE OR YOU'RE FIRED! *Giggles*. VFT Love...Thanks for reminding me often that "Every Storm Runs out of Rain". Plums...Thanks for helping me "Begin Again". Lindz...You and Me...we will always be "Stuck Like Glue". BB - Let's go Trip some Billies =)! And add Mfer and that lawn party! ACGF - There are no words. You are my everything! There are so many more of you. And I love you all!

Thank you 2012 for the lessons you taught me. Good and Bad. But thank you 2013 for the fresh start and for that fresh start being in this Big Ole City!

2012...You Were Quite The Ride!

Wow...looking back over the past 12 months...all I can really do is just shake my head. I can't believe how much things have changed in just a years time. Where I began the year and where I ended the year. And to think of all the obstacles I have faced and all that I have had to deal with and all the battles and all the hardships. The pain, the joy, the hurt, the betrayals, the new friendships, coming home to my real friends, my family. Leaving Charlotte and making the journey back to Atlanta. Not sure what I would find...but ready for a fresh start away from everything that caused me pain.

Some of my Favorite 2012 Moments...  Lymphoma Fashion Show, E's Spring Picture Day, Elijah's 1st Kindergarten Field Trip, Scott and Me - Fall Dega, Elijah's Pre-K Graduation, Fun Times with Mel and B Butler, Me playing with the RVs, Me and E waiting for Santa, and last but not least...celebrating my 34th Birthday with Carlo and Lindsay!

I had no idea this year would see me going through an excruciatingly painful breakup. Or the move home.  Or spending a portion of the year unemployed and without insurance. Or that I would return to the land of single mommies. Or that I would lose my dog...my baby...my bff of nearly 8 years. *I miss you Georgia!* And I can tell you after all of that I never thought I would be sitting here with a smile on my face...proud of who I have become through it all. I have learned so much this year. About life. About the people in my life. And about me. I think going through therapy for 9 months helped that and started me on that path. But the move back to Atlanta ultimately showed me who I was. And who I had become. And who I wanted to be. 

The first 2 full months I was home...they were terrible. I was miserable a lot. And lonely. And really angry. I had a right to be angry. But still. Angry. And then the week before Talladega happened. And then everything changed. It's like that week I finally just bottomed out and realized I was done. And that no boy. No friend. Noone was going to be my crutch. Or define me. It was going to be me. I was going to define who I was. And that was it. So I spent all of October, November, and December doing a lot of soul searching and finding my happy. And I can say that in the past 3 months I have grown to be someone I am proud of. I no longer shake my head at the reflection I see in the mirror. I am not by any means saying I am perfect. I am just saying I am worth it. And I am ok. And that I need to give myself a break.

Part 2 of My Favs! :) Meeting Scott for the 1st Time! Elijah's first day of Kindergarten! Me and Carlo...IN ATLANTA! Me...prepping and loading up for Dega! Me and Lijah playing with the RVs! Elijah on Christmas! Me and Lindsay IN ATLANTA! Baby Keller is born! And Me and E on my 3 year Survivor Day!!!

 This year was a learning experience. And I learned so much. I learned that love is the most important thing in the world...family, children, friends, relationships....it doesn't matter. Love hard. Love fiercely. Love with all you have. I learned that I believe that no matter what my past shows...I still believe there is someone out there for me. That will love me and my son fiercely. I learned that being loyal to those you love is so very important. I learned that loving people through their dark times is so so so important. And that the people who love your during your dark place...those are your real friends. I learned that some things don't last forever. And sometimes walking away with your head high really is the best thing. And I learned that being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. I learned that Karma is real. And it's scary! I learned that I tend to think with my heart before my head and I need to start using both. Oh I learned how to drive RVs this year. That is something fantastic that I will never forget. I think the RVs may have saved me. That and my thinking spot. And my music. And my friends. And my son. I learned that sometimes it's ok to let someone else help you walk until you are able to walk on your own. I also learned that some people are amazing. I saw an amazingly beautiful random act of kindness. It was paid forward to me. And I will do the same one day. It showed me there really is good in the world. But I also learned there is pure evil out in the world too. But remembering my Karma lesson helps me remember I can move on from evil because what goes around ALWAYS comes back around. And above all I learned that NASCAR weekends can really be life changing!!! :) (GO DENNY GO!) And that I belong in Atlanta. It is my home. I am a Georgia Girl...country music singing...Electric Cowboy dancin...Go Dawgs Screamin...NASCAR watching...Big Ole Chevy Truck Lovin...Southern Girl through and through. And I know that a big part of my happiness comes from the fact I am home. But an even bigger part comes from the fact I went and got all whole and healed.

Come Home Georgia!

The 2 Loves of My Life!

It's officially been over 48 hours since my baby Georgia girl got out of the RV, got spooked by the mass of people, and ran like the wind. My 7 1/2 year old Rat Terrier that I have had since she was 5 weeks old AND that my son had had his entire life. There aren't enough words to describe how devastated he and I are.

The crap part of the whole situation is that this doggie disappearance happened at a huge state park outside Birmingham, Alabama where E and I went for a huge Halloween festival with a bunch of friends.

We searched for HOURS on foot...in trucks...and even in a police car where I was screaming her name over the outside speaker. Anddddd NO Georgia. We had to finally give up last night at sunset to make our way back to Atlanta. Which I will say was one long and hellish and emotional drive without that tiny little dog riding in my lap. I felt like I was giving up even though I know that there are SO many people still looking for her. That's the good part about friending "the law" *giggles*. The Park Rangers and staff are still actively looking for her. I have people on standby to get her if / When she turns up. And I have called every single animal shelter in a 100 mile radius of that park as well as the ER vets, and Humane Societies. And posted ads on Craig's List and the lost dog hotline.

Little Girl with her hurt hurt knees!

I was handling *mostly* ok (minus the whole not sleeping last night thing) until out of habit I hollered for her to come on when it was time to take E to school because she always rides. And reality slapped me upside the head and I've been sobbing since.

This dog is like my other child. 7 1/2 years with me...she's been through everything with me....she's like my best friend. She goes everywhere with me...sleeps with me every night...she's mine and E's sidekick.

My poor son...he can't even comprehend what's happening. He's just so sad. He was up at 3 am crying so I sat up and held him all night. And I keep reminding him that everyone is looking for her.

Yes she sure is named after my Alma Mater!

But it's hard being positive for E bc I feel so not positive. My baby is missing in a state park in another state. It's cold. She's gotta be hungry. And her poor knees have to be killing her since her last pain pill was early Saturday morning. And I hate that I can't be there looking. I'm just so scared for her.

These pets...they become family. They aren't just dogs or cats. They are our children...sisters...brothers...and we love them and treat them that way. Even know typing this...tears are running down my face because I keep glancing back expecting to see her laid out in the sunlight on her blanket at the shop at the lot with me.

I miss her so much and it's been 2 days. Please send up a prayer for Georgia, Little E, and me while we wait this out. Because what the hell are we gonna do if it becomes forever?!

My Babies

What Makes Me Smile...

Yesterday my little boy became a big brother. He is so proud and so happy. And that makes me so proud and so happy. I never thought I would be able to say or write that I am happy for my ex husband. But I am. I am saying it. I am writing it. Because it's the truth. E met his baby sister today for the first time. And I saw the pure joy and adoration on his face when I picked him up from his grandma's house. He is already in love with that sweet baby girl. And I know that he will take care of her for the rest of his life. I can't sit here and say I wish it hadn't been me that had given him the baby sister or brother he so badly wanted...because that would be a lie. BUT I am so grateful and happy that my ex could. A happy E makes for a happy me. And at the end of the day...that's what matters. I truly wish nothing but the best for J and his new family.

Happiest Big Brother Ever!

My heart today is also smiling for my Richard who would have been 36 today. Sadly cancer took him from this world way too early. BUT today I celebrated his life and thought of all the happy times we shared together. I miss him fiercly and with all my heart. But he's in a better place keeping an eye on all of us left here trying to make our way through this crazy life! I miss you and I love you RTK! Every single day!!!! RIP RTK 10.18.76 - 09.16.09

 

 

 





Today was a good day. Crazy busy with RVs and such. But good. I am learning that happy is just around the corner. My son is healthy and happy. I am on my way. And at the end of the day...that's what matters. Always. I can say this and I will say this. The people who are trying to take away my happy...might want to think twice. I am trying hard to be the bigger person. Don't make me chose a different route. And remember a few things people....what goes around...does come back around. I have seen it and lived it first hand. There really is a big difference between right and wrong. And some people and some things are just wrong. And growing as a person means becoming a better person...not a worse person.