Lymphoma is a bitch

Last night I had a dream about my dear friend Richard. You are probably thinking...so? We lost him September 16, 2009 to Burkitt's Lymphoma. I was about halfway through my chemo when I said good bye to him. It was hell...

Sometime in early December 2008...I was sitting at work...like I do everyday...im'ing with Richard...like I did everyday. It was this day Richard told me he was gonna run over to Urgent Care over lunch. His tummy was acting funny..."prolly just an ulcer" he said. So we went about our normal chit-chat. He said bye and headed to the doctor. About 10 minutes later my phone rang...Richard...Urgent Care is closed for lunch...entertain him while he waits. So he and I were talking and laughing in true Richard/Allie style. That boy could make me laugh like no one else. He was my Dickard. I was his Greshman.

Us - July 2007

Did I tell you we became instant friends in May 1999. We both worked together in the Computer department of the Best Buy in Athens, GA. And we both went to UGA. I was the first friend he made in Athens. He reminded me of that all the time. To remind me how special I was to him. We had an up and down friendship. We were besties...then...I liked him...he liked me...our timing never matched up. When I left Athens things between us were rough. He had told me he loved me and I had a boyfriend. Who was an asshole. Oh Scott. I hate you. Anyway...I digress. So a few years went by and somehow we ended up reconnecting. And back to besties we were. I always loved Richard. He was that guy that I always loved. He always loved me too. No matter who we dated or what happened. That constant seemed to be there. We never dated. Not once.

Back to December 2008. Urgent Care. He saw the doctors. They ran tests. And when they were done...he immediately called me...the tests came back abnormal. What?! What does that even mean? He was being sent to a gastro-doctor. I will never forget before his colonoscopy. He had to do a bowl prep. I have definitely had to do one of those too. We giggled about it all day long. I made him text me updates on the number of times he ran to the potty. It was really funny to us. Hey whatever gets us through the crap right? Ha I said crap! Ok really...

Anyway...he had the test. And more tests. And I am fuzzy on the order of things. Then he called me. "Allison...they think I have colon cancer..." "No. Not possible. You are 32 years old...." Then they told him he had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. Like a second before Christmas. Heart breaking. I can't even tell you. That phone call. I can't even think about that.

He got good news. Stage 1A. Best possible scenario - for cancer that is. He started chemo. The really horrible kind. Adriamycin (the red devil drug) / Cytoxan. I only know how truly horrible it is because I did 4 rounds of the same kind of chemo. It's pure hell. This is the chemo that makes you wish you were dead. I am not kidding. Not one bit.

In mid-February we got horrible news. He didn't have Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. He has Burkitt's Lymphoma. DOCTOR FAIL!!! He needed a different treatment all together. And he had lost precious time. Things got bad. Then they got a little better. Then in June 2009 he took a turn for the worst. It seemed that everything that could go wrong, went wrong. Like if he had a 1% chance of something happening...it happened. He spent all his time at Emory. It was just horrible.

Then...the beginning of July...I found my tumor. What?! He has cancer and I have a tumor...Didn't seem possible. Except it was. He and I talked a lot in between me finding my tumor and getting diagnosed. He was so sick when I found out that I had to tell him via text. So there we were. Both of us. Fighting. Together. We were going to win together. I knew it. I saw him almost every time I was at Emory those first 2 months. The day of my first chemo...we both had chemo...together. He sat directly across from me. He saved me that day.

Emory...My 1st day of Chemo - July 24, 2009

Those first two months were harder than anything I had ever dealt with in my life. But I had Richard. I had my Dickard. And I believed that we would be okay. I thought...this has happened for a reason...I don't know why we are both sick together...but Richard and I...we will figure it out...together.

I wish.

September 15, 2009...my phone rang...it was Ken...Ricahrd's Dad. Ken and I had become VERY close over those 2 months. He was my buddy!

Ken and Me - Chemo #3 - Richard took this picture!

So...my phone rang...and when I saw it was Ken...I knew it was going to be bad...I knew it. Richard had been getting much worse over the past month or so. And I just knew it was going to be bad news. It was. I needed to get to Emory that day. Richard had been given maybe 3 days to live. The cancer was in his blood. I wasn't ready for this. No one was. Because he was 32. Because he was Stage 1A (I was 2A). Because cancer couldn't beat him. Because how was I suppose to go on without him.

Emory. That evening. 5 hours of being there. Sitting in the room with him and his family and friends. Watching him sleep. He never spoke. I saw my friend. My best friend. Who was so alive and happy and amazing before the cancer. He did MMA...he was my Ninja...taught MMA to kids...was the singer for a local Metal band...he was smart...and funny...and loved life. Now he was this skinny, cancer filled person who looked nothing like the Richard I knew. Seeing him like that was hell.

Saying goodbye. How do you say goodbye without actually saying goodbye. It's hard people. I held his hand and rubbed his arm...and said over and over again...I love you Richard...I love you...with tears in my eyes but showing no fear. His mom was on one side of him and I was on the other. Remember he hadn't moved or spoken the entire time I was there to anyone. While I was holding him...He grabbed my arm and held on and muttered something...his mom leaned down to hear him and he said I love you too. I love you too as he was holding my arm. Til he lost his strength and had to let go. This was one of the most special moments of my life. I left Emory and never saw him again. He passed away at 4 pm the next day...September 16, 2010. He didn't even live 24 hours after they told his family he had 3 days. I was the first person his father called to tell he had passed. I sobbed so loudly I had to leave work. I was shaken and raw and a total mess. And I had chemo the very next morning. My parents drove me the 2 hours to his visitation and my two friends and I made the drive for his funeral. I was to sick to actually do any of the driving. But I was there. To honor my friend. I love him so very much.

Going on...being at Emory...fighting cancer...alone...without him...was nearly impossible for me. It was actually a contradiction for me. Because it was impossible going on alone. And I also fought twice as hard for us both.

I am still very close with his family. His parents mean everything to me. I am so grateful I have them in my life.

Ken, Betty, and Me - February 2010

I have dreamed about Richard only 3 times since he passed. They have all happened the same way. You know that moment right before you wake up where you are asleep but not really...All of my dreams have been then...very short...all the same message...he loves me...and then I wake up...I sit straight up in bed like I heard a gun go off. I get teary...I miss him...and then I feel so very blessed that I had that fleeting moment with him again. And that happened to me this morning. And that's why I am sharing this with you today.

One last thing to share...I took this picture of my Richard on September 16, 2009. We had one of our famous lunch dates. It was meant as a joke for our friend Brian and was taken as we were walking out of the mall. It was pointed out to me after he passed away that this picture was taken exactly one year before he passed...

Richard - September 16, 2009

I carry this man in my heart. I always will. Having cancer was the hardest thing I have ever been through. But I find a lot of comfort knowing how close Richard and I were his last two months. He use to say to me things like...remember that time we were at whatever place...had you told me we would end up both having cancer I would have slapped you and yelled liar. I miss you my Dickard!

RIP Richard Thomas Kannady
October 18, 1976 - September 16, 2009

Richard and Me - Summer 2000

My Graduation from UGA - May 2000

Hold you loved ones tight...life can change in an instant. And don't I know it. 

XOXOXO

I miss my nipples...

Seemed an appropriate thing for today's blog! After all...it's the one thing cancer took from me that I can't ever have back. I think they are in a jar somewhere. Who knows. I signed some consent form that science could have them as well as all my breast tissue and any lymph nodes removed during my double mastectomy.

On November 18, 2009 I had a double mastectomy. I was 31.

Seems so long ago. Yet it seems like yesterday. Sitting here typing this...I can't help but think about how much has happened to me since the day I found the mass in my left breast. July 1, 2009. 15 days later they told me I had breast cancer. 23 day later I started chemo. 8 rounds of horrible, terrible chemo. Chemo that took my hair, my eyebrows, my eyelashes, my weight, my looks...and that saved me. It's hard to think that something that made me so sick...something that was so horrific that there were times I wanted to give up because I couldn't even imagine doing it even one more time...yeah even with all that...it saved me. Thanks to chemo, my tumors shrunk enough for me to undergo a double mastectomy.

I remember that morning...before the surgery...and the days leading up to it...so very hard to imagine that I was having my breast cut off. They are, after all, what make us feel like women. And they were cutting mine off. Because I had breast cancer. How was that even possible? It was Mastectomy Day. I was 31. I had no family history of breast cancer. Or even of any cancer really. So all I could think that morning was...how did I get here.

Life has a funny way of throwing us curve balls.

So that morning...I woke up...I showered...I got dressed...and I headed to Emory. Just like so many other mornings. Except this time I was going to Emory for the one of the biggest days of my life and for the scariest day of my life. I was petrified. I hate surgery. I hate being put under. Breathing tubes scared me. And they were cutting off my breasts. I knew they were going to be building them back. But they were going to never be the same. After all...they were putting my nipples in jars...remember....I wasn't a fan of that.

I remember waiting to go back. I remember being in pre-op with my mom. I remember all the crying and the fear and the unknown. At this point we still had no idea if they would get it all. And even bigger...was it in my lymph nodes. What would happen after? How much pain would I be in? What the heck were these drains they told me about? What if it was in my lymph nodes? What if they didn't get it all? More chemo? More radiation? More surgeries? My thoughts were racing. I was scared. Give me drugs now! Sedate me! And can't my mommy come with me!?!?

The OR was cold and scary. And by the time I got back there I was pretty much numbed up. Thank you for the drugs. Did I mention my nurses were amazing! Did I mention I hated my surgeon? She is a brilliant surgeon with horrible bed side manner. I dread any time I have to see her! And back to the OR...it was scary. And I have been in OR's before. But not one where they were cutting off my breasts. Just put me under!

I woke up...sometime later...and everything from that point on is pretty fuzzy. I was on all sorts of pain meds! I was surrounded by family and friends. And I kept blabbering about my nipples being in a jar. My chest was wrapped up. But they were able to put the expanders in...yay for that! So I didn't wake up totally flat. I had 2 drains. Gross. I hurt every where. They removed 10 suspicious lymph nodes and there was NO cancer in any of them. HUGE RELIEF!!!!! They thought they got it all. Unmanageable pain...blood pressure spiking...post op fevers...I had it all. I spent 3 days at Emory and I was sent home.

On December 3rd they would tell me that I was cancer free. That the surgery was a success. That I needed no more chemo and no more radiation. And that I could begin the long (and very painful) road of reconstruction. What a miracle. Prayers were answered. The medicine worked.

My journey wasn't even close to being over.

I had 3 more surgeries. A hysterectomy and 2 reconstructions. I am so not even going into any of that today! I still looked sick. And it would take a long time for that to go away. My boyfriend told me this morning that he realized yesterday I looked like a totally normal person who never even had cancer. It was a feeling I can't even explain to you guys.

Your looks...they come back. Your hair...it grows back. (Mine is still growing but I love it! And for those of you who are curious...no...it wasn't curly before!) You move on. But you never, ever forget.

I have tears in my eyes writing all of this.

Life after cancer...it's just different. It's the point of this entire blog after all! Life goes on...things even out...things go back to "normal". What the hell is "normal" after you face your own mortality and win? I went through a lot of depression. I have been to the pits of hell and back. Even now...a year later...I have bad days. I still get angry. I still get scared. Every pain freaks me out. I have to see my Oncologist every 3 months. I hate doctor week. I have had the worst possible medical news given to me. I never want it again. And every time I see my doctor...well let's be honest...it's a possibility. They told me early on that I had a higher chance of reoccurance because I was so young. That scares the hell out of me. So I go on. I look at each day as a gift. I try to be happy and positive and just live. Notice I said I try. I am not perfect!

What I can tell you is that I am a huge advocate of breast cancer awareness. I tweet. I blog. I share my story. I raise money. I walked the Susan G. Komen 3 day. 60 miles for a cure. (I completed 45 miles and was very proud!) I do what I can to get my story out there. I was young. I was 30. It can happen to any of us. So if you feel anything abnormal CALL YOU DOCTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have to be your biggest advocate!

So today? I have huge scars across my chest. I have one under my left arm pit (lymph node removal). I can't have blood drawn, IVs, or have my blood pressure taken on my left side. My left arm, arm pit, and side feel numb a lot of the time b/c of all the nerves cut when they removed my lymph nodes. The feeling I once had in my breasts...95% gone...and what little I do have...not even close to anything I had before. I see my doctor every 3 months. I have blood work done more than every 3 months. I have PET scans and MRI's and CAT scans and every other scan. Emory is like a second home. I hate cancer. I loathe cancer.

But...

I beat cancer. I am here. I am alive. I am cancer free. I get to see my son grow up. I get to live. I get to tell my story so others live. And today...that's is more than enough for me. 

Picture share time...This is me before cancer...

This is me about a month after the mastectomy...no it's not close up...because I hated the way I looked...

And this was me on Halloween this year...

And for those of you who missed my awesome video from the beautiful @SmittenKitten01
If you don't follow her...GO NOW! =)

@SmittenKitten01's Video to @AllieGresham

 Much love guys!! Thanks for the massive support from all of you! XOXO

Wordless Wednesday

I had cancer. You all know this. So when I saw this sign at the Atlanta Susan G. Komen 3 Day...well...it brought me to tears. I understood this more than I can put into words. So I am not going to say anything else...just post the picture...

All about Allie

So...I figured it would be a good idea to tell you more about me. Aside from the cancer. And the surgeries. And the heartbreak. And the crazy ex husband! So I am gonna do an "Allie List". You get 25 things just about me! Try not to get too excited! =)

1. I never leave home without my Blackberry, Camera, or Ipod. My Blackberry is an extension of my hand. I don't go anywhere without it. I have perfected the art of talking, walking, and working while typing on it. Since driving and texting is illegal I will leave that one out. I take entirely too many pictures. If you are friends with me on Facebook...you are aware. And I am a music junkie. I truly think it soothes the soul!
2. I went into labor with my son at 30 weeks. I spent 6 weeks on bed rest and I was hospitalized 4 times. He was still born a month early!
3. I have been divorced since Jan 7, 2009. I had a divorce party. And wore and awesome little black dress. Yet I am still a hopeless romantic.
4. I own every season of Grey's Anatomy. And I keep the entire current season on my DVR til that season is available on DVD. I have seen every episode at least 5 times. Except for the shooting episode. It really gets to me. You could say I am obsessed. Since I quote just about every episode!
5. I went to college at The University of Georgia. I am a die hard Georgia Bulldawg. My undergrad is in psychology and I work in finance. Go figure. My dream is to be a nurse.
6. I have checking my voicemail. It drives me NUTS! So I never do it until I have about 7 saved up then I go in and delete them!
7. I am horrible about taking out my contacts and I mean horrible! I can wear a 2 week pair for 2 months and not think twice about it. It's one of my quirks!
8. I am a serious shoe obsession. I can't walk into my closet due to my massive shoe collection.
9. I am a product whore. I have like 9 different shower gels and 5 different shampoos in my shower.
10. Totally hooked on Red Bull.
11. I have a little Rat Terrier. Her name is Georgia. She was my wedding present from my ex husband. She is 5 and more high maintenance than my son.
12. The part that I struggled with the most about the cancer aside from going bald...loosing my nipples. No lie. There will be an entire blog post around this one day!
13. I am a terrible driver. I embrace it. My nickname is crash and my car's nickname is Captain Crunch. I was in 3 wreck this past year. I rear ended someone every time.This works out in my favor because no one EVER wants me to drive!
14. I am terrible at making decisions. My dad tells me all the time that given the choice I will make the wrong decision 95% of the time. It's all about the learning experience right?
15. My son is the love of my life. He was an accident baby and after all I have been through he is the greatest blessing in my life. He is the only child I will ever have and I love him extra hard because of that. His smile can turn a bad day into a good day in a heartbeat.
16. I have terrible insomnia. And when it last days...I get every emotional and cry at everything. This always happens on day 3 of not sleeping.
17. There is nothing in the world I hate more than cancer.
18. Some of my closest friends in the world, I have never met. This is due to my mommy board and Twitter. Also...my friends are like family to me.
19. I am that person that if something is going to go wrong...it's going to happen to me. I once had a snake die in my car. No joke. Worst smell ever. And I love to laugh when the doctor's explain complications to me...yeh that whole "in 1% of patients xyz can happen"...yeh that's me.
20. I have been through just about everything terrible imaginable.  Yet I get up everyday and do what needs to be done. My past makes me who I am today but it does not define me. And I think what I have been through makes me a better mother, friend, and person.
21. I think Pumpkin Seeds are one of the world's greatest snacks..yum yum! And of yesterday, determined that Pretzel M&M's are one of the worst...nasty!
22. My life's dream is to live on the beach. I want to wake up to that view every morning. And have sand for a backyard!
23. My favorite drink is a Grey Goose Extra Dirty Martini. And I think wine is the worlds most perfect beverage. Red wine that is!
24. I am scared of heights, cranes, flying, really deep water, and ketchup.
25. I have a serious addiction to Taco Bell. Really. I can eat it every single day and not get bored.

So this is blogging?

So really...I have no idea what I am doing. That is a fact. The only real blogging I have done was when I was sick. And I did it to keep everyone in the loop of my illness. Because there is nothing worse than having to tell the same bad news over and over and over again. See I had breast cancer. And it sucked. And I am a single mom. And that's really hard. But I realized going through it all how much I enjoyed writing about my life and all that jazz. But I needed a new place to write. After all...I am not sick anymore. Not today. And today is what counts. I am not going to really going into the whole breast cancer story too much. I have a whole other blog you can read for that (see the caring bridge site). But I was diagnosed July 16, 2009 with Stage 2A Invasive Ductual Carcinoma. Breast Cancer. I went though 8 round of chemo, watched lymphoma kill my one of my best friends, lost my hair, lost my looks, went through a double mastectomy, and on December 3, 2009 they told me they had gotten all the cancer. Woo hoo! Then I started reconstruction and that was hell. But it's complete as of this past August. Back in March I went through another awful experience. They thought I had ovarian cancer. I had tumors the size of oranges growing inside both ovaries. So I ended up having an emergency hysterectomy. I was 31. I have never been so grateful and depressed all at the same time. I have a 4 year old. Elijah. He's amazing and I am so grateful I had him. Even though his father basically sucks at life (another story for another time). So let's see...that means in a year I went through 5 surgeries. Every one of them sucked. And every one of them was needed and I am grateful for them. I don't want to see the inside of an OR anytime soon. Too bad I have a hernia that I am refusing to have fixed just yet. I am over doctors and hospitals and meds. (you can't blame me right?)

So now here I am. And where is that? I don't even know if I know most days! Today I am cancer free! YAY! I have my 1 year check up in a week! YAY! I am still a single mom. My son just turned 4. My ex husband owes me so much money in child support that I could literally pay my car off 3 times. I have been on an up and down rollercoaster this year. I have had my heart broken, ripped out, stepped on, and crush by a lying selfish asshole. I will call him Graham. We hate Graham. But I have an amazing, smart, loving, caring, honest, hard working boy friend (Bill) now that I love more that I can even say. My job...well that really is what it is. And for the sake of me not typing a string of cuss words and scaring you...I will leave that topic alone for now!

Life after cancer? It's like living with PTSD and that's no lie. People tell me all the time...you beat it...you should be happy and live! Weeee! Ok for real...I try to be positive as best I can. But come on...let's be realistic here. I found a lump, got dumped, found out I had cancer, my ex husband took off and stopped paying child support, chemo, bald, friend dies, another cancer scare, hysterectomy, heart b-r-o-k-e-n, job gets hard, finances are in the shitter...Do I need to go on? Hahaha! Ok so at least I can laugh! Yes it's been a year full of twists and turns and oh so much drama and crap. Things are leveling out. But I always live with that fear that I could get sick again. Next week before my 1 year check up...I will be a mess. Every check up is hard and scary. But it's my life now. Always wondering. Always being scared. All while trying to be a mom, a friend, a sister, a daughter, an employee, and a survivor. It's a hard hard road...the one I am on. But all I can hope is that with some time, a lot of love, and tons of writing and tweeting (do you follow me on twitter? you should! @alliegresham)...I will make it through.

So now I am a blogger...please excuse the horrible grammar! This is a learning experience for me for sure!!!

And just b/c I am a crazy picture taking fool...here are a few pictures for ya!

First Chemo Day



Last Chemo Day


xoxo