Cancer, PTSD, Therapy, And My Dark Place

Ok so I try really hard to keep my blog uplifting and inspirational and all that jazz. But I think I am doing you an injustice by doing that. Because life isn't all rosy and perfect and crap once you become a survivor. In fact I think it's kinda the opposite. When you are fighting cancer...you are in survival mode. You don't...or maybe just me...but whatever...you don't do much other than put on foot in front of the other b/c the only thing that matters is living. Being able to raise your son. And not being the girl who dies of Breast Cancer at 31.

Yes...Richard got cancer...I got divorced...I got cancer...I lost Richard...Mastectomy...Hysterectomy...Graham...PTSD diagnosis...Therapy...Bill...Moved...New Job...Change...Change....Realizing the damage I did to a certain person...missing Richard...wanting junk punch Graham (that pretty much never goes away since that break up was my breaking point)...Ex Husband pops back up...acts like an ass...gets his shit together...Losing Chris to Cancer...ANOTHER Cancer Scare...And then the ultimate PTSD Flair Up which lead me back to therapy...led me to facing my demons I have been running from...and ultimately to this very dark post. And don't get me wrong. I am grateful every single day for my 2nd chance at life. But if don't think Survivorship comes with a price...you are so very wrong.

A few months ago I sat in an exam room at Emory...and for about 30 minutes I thought my cancer was back. It wasn't. But living those 30 minutes...they really really messed me up bad. And since then I have been on some kind of roller coaster. Happy days and great days. And days where getting out of bed just hurts. It was this event that led to my PTSD flair up and into therapy. Boo for PTSD. Yay for Therapy. Even tho therapy...it's kicking my butt! But that's what happens when you hide from your pain for as  long as you possibly can.

So instead of venting...I am doing this blog letter style. I am going to use this post to say the shit I should have said a LONG time ago. Thanks to the last weeks therapy appointment for what's about to come. Take it up with her if you have any issues.

Dear exhusband - I hated you for a REALLY long time. You abandoned me when I was pregnant, When our son was 6 months old, Right before Elijah turned 1...about 23 other times. And then when push comes to shove and I got sick...you bailed like a coward. Oh yeah I hated you. Omg you made my blood boil. I let that anger eat me alive for a long time. You are a major reason why I feel like "people always leave". You are a major reason why I have severe abandonment issues. But you went and got "all healed" about 4 years too late b/c clearly Elijah and I were not enough for you. Regardless. That's for me to deal with. I understand your demons. My head does. My heart not so much. I am so unbelievably happy that you have 2 years sober. That you have a relationship with your family. And that you have a stable girlfriend. And most importantly that you are FINALLY a father to our son. And I am glad that you and I have finally put aside our issues to be parents. You have had my back recently. I am grateful for that. But don't think for a minute I don't feel like junk punching you often! One day I will let it go. Therapy dude. But I am glad we are getting along! :)

Dear the people who gave birth to me - Your daughter had cancer. She beat cancer. Maybe you should have a little more respect for life and let go of all the petty bullshit. Yes I made mistakes in my past. AND OMG I am aware that you hate my exhusband. But be the people you claim to be. And you know what I mean. My life isn't yours to judge. YOU ARE MY PARENTS. You are suppose to love me. And support me. I mean don't you remember when I got sick? Don't you remember that feeling when you heard Richard had died? You need to have a little bit more respect for life and have a little more gratitude. B/c the cards could have fallen different. We as a family were given a second chance. Why not take it???? THINK ABOUT IT! I will always love you. But living in the past isn't for me. And not forgiving isn't for me. I have gratitude for my life. I need you to show that you feel the same.

Dear shit head ex boyfriend - You were the nail in the coffin post hysterectomy that pushed me over the edge into my spiralling depression. What you did was dirty. And wrong. And basically just evil. You are a liar and you and I both know I have all the proof in the world to expose you for the lying, manipulative, coward, piece of crap that you are. You are a liar to not just to me but to EVERYONE. And we both know it. I hope rolling me under the bus worked for you. You don't deserve the life you have. KARMA is a bitch. And thanks to my awesome and amazing therapist...I can now let go of the hurt you caused me b/c it all comes back around. Just remember that.

Dear person I hurt - I am so unbelievably sorry for the pain I caused you and your family (minus 1). It's taken me a long time to have the guts to say that and I hope one day you stumble across this and read it. And know I mean it. You are a great person. You never deserved any of it. Neither of us did. I hope you can realize through time I was a victim too...just on a different level. I still think about you often and hope you are doing well. I hope life gives you everything you deserve. You truly are a wonderful person. I am so very sorry.

Dear Richard - I finally realized last week I was angry at you for dying. Is that wrong? I know it feels wrong. But to me in my messed up head It makes sense. You were suppose to beat this thing with me! We were suppose to be SURVIVORS together. And you died. And that's not fair. I miss you everyday. I needed you to be here b/c I have no idea how to navigate through life as a survivor and do it right. I feel like I hit dead ends way too often. But damnit I love you. And I know I will see you on the other side. So until then...keep an eye on me...and if you see me steering off the path...you can come back and haunt me!!!

Dear 3 Day Tweeps - You are truly some of the best people I have ever met. You have been an inspiration to me through some rough times for me. And I just wanted to take this second to tell you all that I love each and every one of you. I am already counting down til Chicago and then til Tampa!

Dear Bill - You have loved me through the best and the worst. And the best and the worst. And the best and the worst. What a ride! I love you more than there are words. You have supported me though my dark places. You have helped me though my latest journey through therapy. You are amazing with my son. You got me out of that "other" dark place and into a home where I am happy and a home that's full of love. Thank you for supporting me through the employment crap. And the new business venture. I KNOW I am not easy all the time...(SHHHH!) But You always have loved me and still love me and have my back. There aren't words to tell you how grateful I am for you. You truly are the LOML.

And I think that's all I have for tonight.

XOXO,
Allie