Thankfulness in My Dark Place

So Thanksgiving has come and gone. But what hasn't left are all my thoughts on what I am thankful for in my life. Even in the scary dark place full of anger and crazy PTSD rants...I still find I have so many things to be thankful for. I was lucky that I had therapy tonight...and it was a great session. We talked about a lot of the things I am thankful for. And we also talked about a lot of the things I am angry about. But even in my anger she helped me see my healing. I might say something like "I am still angry that xy and z called me a mistake" and she said "Hey Allie...do you see what you are really saying..." "...Um clearly I don't. I am angry." "You are saying...I am angry you called me a mistake b/c I know I am not a mistake. I am better than that". And then I saw the healing. So...I start my thankfulness there. I am thankful I am healing. Because it's a start. And today that's good enough for me.

So let's do this. Let's see Allie's List of the things she's Thankful for...

1. I am thankful I am healing. It's my starting place.
2. I am thankful for you guys. For you that read this and comment and tweet me and support me. Even when I am dark and scary. I love twitter. I love blogging. I am thankful for both!
3. I am thankful I am a Survivor. Because it sure as hell beats the alternative!
4. I am thankful for my insane but amazing boyfriend. He's the right amount of crazy for me. He's my best friend. He's the best thing to ever happen to me and my son. I love him more than I have words. I am blessed.
4. I am thankful for his family. They are amazing people who make my life better.
5. I am thankful for my son. He is my reason for breathing.
6. I am thankful I had those last 2 months with Richard. We may have both been sick and miserable. BUT we were sick and miserable together. And I had that time with him that is so so  precious to me.
7. I am thankful for my job that I LOVE!
8. I am thankful for my new life in Charlotte. I love it here. I love the people I have met here!
9. I am thankful for my new Stella & Dot Business. It has been amazing and fun and a new challenge for me!
10. I am thankful for my friends that I seriously love so very much. CJ, LT, KW, BB, LZ, JC, SM, DR, JA - I seriously don't think I could have come this far without each of you. You have all helped me more than I can say. I love you all. Please always know that.
11. I am thankful for my 3 Day Tweeps. They are some of the best people on the planet hands down. Cheesy as it sounds...they complete me. And they are why I am doing TWO 3 Days next year. Because I can't stand to be away from them! And I am damn sure thankful for what they do for the fight against such a horrible disease.
12. I am thankful for wine. B/c let's face it...it makes the world go round. Or is that love. But wine = love right? Whatever! :)
13. I am thankful for my therapist. Through her I am realizing I am not really crazy. Just someone who has been through way too much and is trying to survive and be a better person in spite of it all.
14. I am thankful that even in my dark place I can see a little bit of light.
15. I am thankful for Grey's Anatomy. Come on now...I had to throw something silly in there! Plus I am a junkie! And my iPhone. And my soon to be iPad. And my flat iron. And my Dior makeup. Look I lumped all the superficial stuff together. Plus I needed to giggle.

Ok Ok my Therapist made me promise I would blog something I am thankful for out of my 3 really dark places. So here goes...

Ex Hubs - I am thankful for our son. Especially since I can't have any more children. I am thankful you are 2 years sober. I am thankful you have a supportive family and gf. I am thankful you have cleaned up your act and we are finally able to be friends. I am thankful for all your support lately. And I am thankful for some of our really recent talks were you were super honest with me and apologized for a lot of your crap. Thank you for owning your shit.

Parents - Thank you for giving me the best parenting manual IN THE WORLD!!!!!!! All I have to do is ask myself...what would my parents do...and do the opposite. It's just that easy!!! (So very angry still ...can you tell?)

Graham - I saved you for last b/c I had to really think what I would be thankful to you for. And you know...the best I can come up with is my pink sony ear buds. I really like them. They are comfortable. And they make listening to music enjoyable b/c they fit so well. Oh and thanks for the trip to Columbus so I could see Richard's family. And my first NASCAR race. I hate you got me into NASCAR but I sure do still love it. (GO JGR!!!) OHHHH and definitely thanks for all the awesome clothes you got me. You didn't think I threw them away did you? I mean you spent a lot of money. AND You don't throw away Gap. Not in my house! (Oh definitely still angry - but I tried really hard to find a positive. It just so happened that the only positive from him was the stuff he bought me. He really is that shitty!!! I never thought I would ever say my ex-husband was a better person than someone...but...)

So there you go. My Tuesday Post Therapy Post. Clearly I am getting better. But it's progress...not perfection!

XOXO,
Allie

Cancer, PTSD, Therapy, And My Dark Place

Ok so I try really hard to keep my blog uplifting and inspirational and all that jazz. But I think I am doing you an injustice by doing that. Because life isn't all rosy and perfect and crap once you become a survivor. In fact I think it's kinda the opposite. When you are fighting cancer...you are in survival mode. You don't...or maybe just me...but whatever...you don't do much other than put on foot in front of the other b/c the only thing that matters is living. Being able to raise your son. And not being the girl who dies of Breast Cancer at 31.

Yes...Richard got cancer...I got divorced...I got cancer...I lost Richard...Mastectomy...Hysterectomy...Graham...PTSD diagnosis...Therapy...Bill...Moved...New Job...Change...Change....Realizing the damage I did to a certain person...missing Richard...wanting junk punch Graham (that pretty much never goes away since that break up was my breaking point)...Ex Husband pops back up...acts like an ass...gets his shit together...Losing Chris to Cancer...ANOTHER Cancer Scare...And then the ultimate PTSD Flair Up which lead me back to therapy...led me to facing my demons I have been running from...and ultimately to this very dark post. And don't get me wrong. I am grateful every single day for my 2nd chance at life. But if don't think Survivorship comes with a price...you are so very wrong.

A few months ago I sat in an exam room at Emory...and for about 30 minutes I thought my cancer was back. It wasn't. But living those 30 minutes...they really really messed me up bad. And since then I have been on some kind of roller coaster. Happy days and great days. And days where getting out of bed just hurts. It was this event that led to my PTSD flair up and into therapy. Boo for PTSD. Yay for Therapy. Even tho therapy...it's kicking my butt! But that's what happens when you hide from your pain for as  long as you possibly can.

So instead of venting...I am doing this blog letter style. I am going to use this post to say the shit I should have said a LONG time ago. Thanks to the last weeks therapy appointment for what's about to come. Take it up with her if you have any issues.

Dear exhusband - I hated you for a REALLY long time. You abandoned me when I was pregnant, When our son was 6 months old, Right before Elijah turned 1...about 23 other times. And then when push comes to shove and I got sick...you bailed like a coward. Oh yeah I hated you. Omg you made my blood boil. I let that anger eat me alive for a long time. You are a major reason why I feel like "people always leave". You are a major reason why I have severe abandonment issues. But you went and got "all healed" about 4 years too late b/c clearly Elijah and I were not enough for you. Regardless. That's for me to deal with. I understand your demons. My head does. My heart not so much. I am so unbelievably happy that you have 2 years sober. That you have a relationship with your family. And that you have a stable girlfriend. And most importantly that you are FINALLY a father to our son. And I am glad that you and I have finally put aside our issues to be parents. You have had my back recently. I am grateful for that. But don't think for a minute I don't feel like junk punching you often! One day I will let it go. Therapy dude. But I am glad we are getting along! :)

Dear the people who gave birth to me - Your daughter had cancer. She beat cancer. Maybe you should have a little more respect for life and let go of all the petty bullshit. Yes I made mistakes in my past. AND OMG I am aware that you hate my exhusband. But be the people you claim to be. And you know what I mean. My life isn't yours to judge. YOU ARE MY PARENTS. You are suppose to love me. And support me. I mean don't you remember when I got sick? Don't you remember that feeling when you heard Richard had died? You need to have a little bit more respect for life and have a little more gratitude. B/c the cards could have fallen different. We as a family were given a second chance. Why not take it???? THINK ABOUT IT! I will always love you. But living in the past isn't for me. And not forgiving isn't for me. I have gratitude for my life. I need you to show that you feel the same.

Dear shit head ex boyfriend - You were the nail in the coffin post hysterectomy that pushed me over the edge into my spiralling depression. What you did was dirty. And wrong. And basically just evil. You are a liar and you and I both know I have all the proof in the world to expose you for the lying, manipulative, coward, piece of crap that you are. You are a liar to not just to me but to EVERYONE. And we both know it. I hope rolling me under the bus worked for you. You don't deserve the life you have. KARMA is a bitch. And thanks to my awesome and amazing therapist...I can now let go of the hurt you caused me b/c it all comes back around. Just remember that.

Dear person I hurt - I am so unbelievably sorry for the pain I caused you and your family (minus 1). It's taken me a long time to have the guts to say that and I hope one day you stumble across this and read it. And know I mean it. You are a great person. You never deserved any of it. Neither of us did. I hope you can realize through time I was a victim too...just on a different level. I still think about you often and hope you are doing well. I hope life gives you everything you deserve. You truly are a wonderful person. I am so very sorry.

Dear Richard - I finally realized last week I was angry at you for dying. Is that wrong? I know it feels wrong. But to me in my messed up head It makes sense. You were suppose to beat this thing with me! We were suppose to be SURVIVORS together. And you died. And that's not fair. I miss you everyday. I needed you to be here b/c I have no idea how to navigate through life as a survivor and do it right. I feel like I hit dead ends way too often. But damnit I love you. And I know I will see you on the other side. So until then...keep an eye on me...and if you see me steering off the path...you can come back and haunt me!!!

Dear 3 Day Tweeps - You are truly some of the best people I have ever met. You have been an inspiration to me through some rough times for me. And I just wanted to take this second to tell you all that I love each and every one of you. I am already counting down til Chicago and then til Tampa!

Dear Bill - You have loved me through the best and the worst. And the best and the worst. And the best and the worst. What a ride! I love you more than there are words. You have supported me though my dark places. You have helped me though my latest journey through therapy. You are amazing with my son. You got me out of that "other" dark place and into a home where I am happy and a home that's full of love. Thank you for supporting me through the employment crap. And the new business venture. I KNOW I am not easy all the time...(SHHHH!) But You always have loved me and still love me and have my back. There aren't words to tell you how grateful I am for you. You truly are the LOML.

And I think that's all I have for tonight.

XOXO,
Allie

2 Years...

2 Years Ago Today...

I was bald. I was skinny weighing in at about 105lbs. I had no eye lashes. I had no eyebrows. I looked exactly like those sick cancer people you see on tv. I was as sick as anyone could feel. I was as sick looking as anyone could look. I was exhausted. I was fighting cancer.

2 Years Ago Today...

I woke up at 5:30 am to make the long drive to Emory University Hospital. Which I had done MANY other time since July. And just like everyday since July 16th I woke up having Breast Cancer. But today was different. Today I was going to Emory to have a Bi-Lateral Mastectomy. I was 31. I was terrified. I had every emotion possible rushing through me. What would the surgery be like? What would I look like after? How badly would this disfigure me? What if the cancer is in my lymph nodes? Will they get all the cancer? How much pain am I going to be in? What is recovery going to be like? Am I going to live. 

2 Years Ago Today...

I sat in the waiting room at the hospital surrounded by family and friends. Shaking. Scared. Wanting so badly to run away while wanting so badly to get it over with. Pre-op was scary. The nurses were so amazing and so in awe of little skinny me going through all of this at such a young age. And with no family history. When it was time to go back to the operating room I cried and cried and cried. I wanted my mommy. She was crying too.

2 Years Ago Today...

After the surgery while I was in post-op...the doctors came out and told my family and friends that they had removed 10 suspicious lymph nodes but NOT A SINGLE ONE had even one cancer cell. It was contained to the breasts. They were completely confident that they had gotten all the cancer and with clean margins. I would find out on December 3rd that in fact they had gotten it all and with clean margins and after even more extensive testing my lymph nodes were 100% clear. I was a survivor. I beat Cancer. 

1 Year Ago Today...

I posted on here a post many of you have read but I wanted to re-post if you haven't. It details so much more about the mastectomy and what I went through. Plus it has the best name ever! "I Miss My Nipples". Please check it out!

Today...

I am a TWO YEAR SURVIVOR. 2 years. It seems so surreal. It seems like my mastectomy was yesterday. It seems like it was a lifetime ago. TODAY I have my hair back. My eyebrows. My eyelashes. I have my looks back. I have gained all my weight back. I have finished reconstruction. I feel mostly ok about the way they look. IN CLOTHS! I am still very much self conscious of the way the actually look. 2 weeks ago exactly I was given another clean bill of health. Today I have a wonderful boyfriend. A beautiful 5 year old. And friends I wouldn't trade for the world.

Today...

I woke up this morning and started getting ready like any other day. I was fine. I was good. And then as it was time to leave for work I broke down. I cried and cried and cried. I cried for everything I went through fighting cancer. I cried for everything I have been through since my diagnosis. I cried for Richard. I cried for Jeaneen my bestie and 7 year survivor. I cried for Casondra who is my 3-Day Sister and fellow survivor. I cried for my friend Lisa who is still fighting stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. I cried for Lavon who we just lost to breast cancer. And for Chris. And for Ramona. I cry for everyone I know who has fought this fight and won. Who have lost. Who are still fighting. For the people who have lost someone to it. I cried for all of the hurt I have felt over what this disease has taken from me. I cried as I hugged my son because I am here to hug my son. I think it's safe to say I cried for every single thing this morning. Then I cried most of the way to work. I am very very proud to be a 2 Year Survivor. To have overcome all that I have faced.

2 Years Down...A Life Time To Go!

The face of a 2 Year Survivor. Tears for every emotion possible.

The Atlanta 3 Day - Day 1!

Opening ceremonies is probably the one day of the year where getting up at 5 am is exciting and I am literally so excited I am dancing around a parking lot in the cold pumped up and ready to start my 3 Days of fun! This year even more so than last year. This year I was IN Opening Ceremonies! When we got to Opening...the first thing I had to do was hit the dedication wall. And sign my bestie's name on there...Jeaneen...my angel...my survivor sister...the person who gets me through it all. It was a great moment to write her name on there for the reason I walk. And of course I had to get a few shots in with my girls! Then I headed backstage to check in and get my flag! I was so excited that I was all giggly backstage with my other teammate who were also flag carriers. Especially with Casondra. I was ready to get this party started!!!

Survivors!

For you Jeaneen!

Our Co-Captian and my tent mate Caitlin!

 

 

 

Friends for Life!

Then it was time for Ceremonies. Even being backstage, it was still so moving listening to Sherri talking and watching everyone head on stage, flags in hand. Then it was our turn. The somber moment. The part where the 8 survivors walk out into the circle carrying their flags. And It was our 5 minutes to shine. 5 minutes of me standing with 7 other survivors, arms in the air, while the entire group of 3 Day walkers cheered us on and cried. It was that moment for me where realizing the magnitude of what being a survivor really means. There are no words. And this year I was lucky to have my Boyfriend, My son, and one of my Best Friends in the audience cheering me on. It was beautiful. It was magically. It was life changing.

This pic and a few others were taken by someone in the audience (Stacy) and posted on the Komen FB Page. The person who posted them said she was moved and inspired by me and wanted to know who I was. Luckily someone from my team saw it and put us in touch. I am so grateful for these pictures. And feel so honored that I inspired her.

Another pic from Stacy. This one takes even my breath away.

Survivors holding hands. (via Stacy)

 

 

 

My Favorite picture. Thank you Stacy. Time to get this Walk Started!!!

Survivor's Circle

So Opening Ceremonies ends, The Survivors lead everyone out to the route while Katy Perry's "Firework" is blasting. (One of my favorite songs before hand...even more so now!) Bill, Elijah, and Brandy were all there to hug me as I walked out to begin my 60 mile journey. And I was so ready!!

Jim is our hero! He walked ever single 3 day this year!!! That's a lot of miles!

And we're OFF!

TEAM TWITTER ATL! Strangers turned Best Friends!

One of the best parts of walking this year was the motto was no man left behind. We walked together. We waited for each other at Pit Stops and at Lunch. And we talked. We got to know each other. We met friends and family members at Cheering Stations. It was amazing. Truly amazing!

Cheering Station #2 - My boys came out with pink hair!!

Our little mascot! He was such a joy at the cheering station before I got there. When he saw me and ran to me...a lady at the cheering station I did not know started crying. She was that moved by him. He's was my reason for fighting. He's my reason for living. And he's why I will continue to walk and raise awareness for this disease!

One of my favorite pictures from the whole weekend!

Love me some Hope Bear!

Just me!

 Once we finished our 60 miles and made our way to camp via an awesome Limo Bus we grabbed our gear and got set up in Pink Tent City. We camped indoors this year. It was still so awesome seeing all those pink tents. We headed to do some 3 Day shopping, hit the 3 Day Post office, and headed for dinner. After dinner we took our Team Picture, hit the showers and then hit the bed! It was a long, yet awesome day. And we were all gearing up for Day 2. Which is always the hardest!!

Limo Bus!!!!

Pink Tent City

Mail Call!!!

All of Team Twitter ATL - Crew & Walkers!

Julie...Me...and MUG! 

 Day One was amazing. Day 2...Here we come!!! And before I sign off...here's 2 more pictures I love of me from opening! I was so so so happy!!

XOXO,

One Proud Survivor

The Atlanta 3 Day 2011 - The Beginning

*** There is NO way I can tell you all about the amazingness of the 3 Day in one post so I am going to split it up over 3 posts! So bare with me! =) There is just way too much awesomeness that needs to be shared! ***

 Well...the Atlanta 3 Day 2011 has come and gone. But it changed me forever. I have been thinking about this blog post for weeks...hence the delay...because there are so many things I want to say. And there are so many pictures I want to share. Those 3 days were 3 of the best days of my life. Even though I walked 60 miles (yes I walked every single last step of the 60 miles) and even though I came out of it with a nasty stress fracture and I came home so exhausted I may still not be recovered. But nonetheless...3 of the BEST DAYS!

Me and Hope - Our Team Mascot on Day 1!

 I am a 3 Day Tweep who walked with Team Twitter ATL. Our team had 11 Crew Members and 17 walkers. We were the 3rd largest team size wise in Atlanta. We were also ranked 10th out of all the teams as far as money raised. Together our team raised over $50,000! What an accomplishment!!!! So What is Team Twitter ATL, you ask? It's a group of women and men who primarily know each other as part of the busy, thriving Twitter and Facebook 3-Day community. While living in distant cities and towns, we stay in touch, offering encouragement, motivation, support, condolences, advice, and even fundraising support. The 2011 Atlanta 3-Day For The Cure will be the first event where this group of far-flung walkers and crew will be present together, in person, to walk in a 3-Day For The Cure together. (In the words of our fearless leader, Jay Furr aka @jay3day).

A Sneak Peek of Team Twitter ATL Crossing the Finish Line!

 So yes, most of us, open arriving in Atlanta, had never met. Some of us had. But we all keep in touch on twitter and facebook almost daily. So I was definitely nervous about meeting everyone. After all, on Thursday when we all arrived in Atlanta, we were practically strangers. Funny thing about the 3 Day...after those amazing and inspiring 3 days...not only are we no longer strangers...we are family...3 Day sisters and brothers. A group of people who changed my life and who I know I will keep in touch with for years and years to come. In fact...there are already 2012 teams forming in Atlanta and other cities. I am co-captaining Team Twitter Tampa in 2012 and so far there are 5 of us on the team all from Team Twitter ATL. And I already can't wait!

Oh yes - Epic picture! Jay Tweeted this picture of me tweeting a picture of Casondra and Me!

One of the absolute best things about this year's 3 day was being asked to be apart of the Survivor's Circle and carry a flag in both opening and closing ceremonies. There were 5 people from Team Twitter Atlanta who were flag carriers which was awesome!! And there were 2 of us in the Survivor's Circle. Casondra aka @sandy8943 who carried "Healing" and myself who carried "Courage". When I tell you it was an honor to be chosen...it was more than that. It was one of the most special moments of my life. It was life changing. It was everything. And to do it along side of Casondra meant more to me than there are words. She and I have a special bond, both being survivors, but more than that we are 3 Day Sisters, and very good friends. And I love her with my whole heart! Jay (@jay3day), Lauri (@60MileGirl), and Alison (@glancz) also carried flags in ceremonies. It was so special to have so many teammates be apart of this awesome and emotional part of The 3 Day.

Alison holding Hope, Casondra, Me, and Lauri @ Rehearsals!

 We had rehearsals at Stone Mountain Thursday afternoon before the walk. And it was so fun being there seeing everything being set up. And getting to see my teammates who were flag carriers and also my teammates who were on the crew. Crew had their big meeting at the same time as we had rehearsals. So there were quite a few of us Team Twitter ATL tweeps wandering around Stone Mountain getting pumped up for The 3 Day which would start bright and early at 6am the following morning! But before that we were having an all team dinner at The Cheesecake Factory which I couldn't wait to get to and meet the rest of my team!!! Bill and Elijah were also at dinner. And it was just so fun getting to spend time with everyone and getting to know everyone in a relaxed atmosphere before we embarked on our 60 mile journey.

Me with My Survivor Flag at Rehearsal!

Casondra and Me and our Survivor Flags!!!

Jay with his Flag @ Rehearsal

Lauri and Alison and their Flags @ Rehearsal!

Bill, Lijah and Me @ The Team Dinner @ The Cheesecake Factory

Me getting some hugs in before I was gonna be missing him while I was out walking 60 Miles For A Cure!

That brings Part One to a close! Thank you again to all of you who donated and made it possible for me to walk! Much love!

XOXO,
Allie