"Sometimes You Gotta Lose 'Til You Win"

Tonight's post was 100% inspired by a song I have been listening to on and off all day. It's not new. I have listened to it a million times. But today it really hit me. It really went hand in hand with this week's therapy session. So I am gonna share that first!

Sugarland "Little Miss" (yes whoever did this jacked up the lyrics!)

So this song inspired this...

Cuz Sometimes We Need  A Reminder!

So I have been beating myself up pretty bad since I started therapy about some mistakes I have made in my past. And I have been feeling all closed in and unworthy of basically anything b/c of these mistakes. But after an amazing session and 2 long days of soul searching and some music therapy...you know what...they are my mistakes. I made them. I did it. Yes I sure as hell did. But you know what? They do NOT define me! You know why??

DAMN STRAIGHT!



I definitely tired of feeling NOT good enough b/c of my past mistakes. Of b/c certain people (ahem my parents) like to tell me I am not good enough. And you know what else...I might make mistakes...but I am NOT a mistake. Take that Graham and Parents. You all can suck it. I am tired of suffering b/c of these people. My mistakes. My life. But I am bigger than these mistakes. I am not defined by them. And I am a good person. And if you disagree. Well guess what...you can suck it. Because I am tired of beating myself up for the people I hurt in  my past. I have caused hurt. I have been hurt. It's life. Life is messy and we aren't always perfect. Or the people we think we should be. All I can be is me. ALL my mistakes and all! The good, the bad, the ugly. So guess what time it is...


Cuz It's time to SHINE!

I know this isn't going to be easy to do everyday all the time. But tonight...this...it's a start. And when I doubt myself...I have this post to remind me that I am damn good enough. I have a big heart. I love hard. It's time to love me too!!!

A Little Light & A Whole Lot of Pretty in My Dark Place

Soooooo....if you are reading this...then you are seeing my whole lot of pretty! I finally had my blog design completed and installed! I enlisted the help of the awesome @lindsayintx to help me fancy things up earlier this year. But then I lost my job and the blog design had to be put on hold. Then Lindsay retired from designing blogs so I thought I was just stuck with the old. But luckily for me she still had my design saved and came out of retirement long enough to finish my design and do the install. And can I tell you I am in LOVE with it! She did a great job. And the timing was perfect! I am really diving back into my blogging to help me get through the therapy and the dark place. So the new and fresh and pretty blog makes my dark place a little more fancy! Right now...for me...working so hard on healing...the little things are big for me. So having a new pretty place to blog...it rocks! I hope you guys love it as much as I do! Thank you Lindsay!!!!!

Tonight was an interesting night for me. I took E to meet his dad so that they could spend the weekend together. E has been missing him really bad since it's been a month. And since the next time he was gonna get to see him was the week after Christmas...we planned to meet half way so E and his dad could spend a 3 day weekend together. This isn't uncommon for us to do the meet half way and swap the kid thing. BUT what is uncommon is for us to actually have a meal together. We decided last week we should grab a quick bite when we did the swap so that we could discuss the custody lawsuit and child support and stuff. So I was nervous and really not wanting to deal with arguing. But ex hubs and I have been getting a long really well for the past 2 months or so. And he's been really great to me as I have been dealing with some crap with my family. He knows my family drama all too well. Plus he and I have had some really great talks lately fueled from my therapy and needing to understand what the hell happened to him which led to our undoing.

Ok back to tonight. So we met up at Cracker Barrel. And we were going to talk. But E was just so excited to have his mom and dad at dinner with him that we ended up not talking about anything that would cause any kind of arguments. We just ate dinner and played with E and talked about his life and his GF and Christmas and my life and my BF and E's school. And just acted like 2 normal adults who wanted to be normal and "friends" for their child. And you know what...it was really really nice. After 5 roller coaster years with him we may finally be in a place where we can co-parent as friends. He has a lot of respect for my BF and the BF's family. And his GF adores E. And she and I have had some good talks too. So maybe...just maybe...this can be a fresh start for us. I feel really optimistic! Hence me seeing a little light in my dark place. He's come a long way. And I am on the road to getting through this dark shit weighing on me. He finally stopped running and faced his demons. And I am doing the same. And I am thinking and praying that maybe now we can finally put aside our past demons with each other and just be parents.

So fingers are crossed. Prayers are being said. Because E deserves all the love in the world. And he deserves parents who don't fight and hate each other. And E loves my BF and ex hubs GF. So if things stay good...E is gonna be a lucky kid who has parents who love him and 2 eventual step parents who love him too.

I hope I am making sense! It is 3 am and my insomnia is insane tonight. And I am all wide awake from all the driving.

I just know there are a lot of things in my dark place I don't have any control over. And these things....there won't be closure. B/c people hurt you. And people leave. And people die. And I will always have to deal with the cancer thing. But this one thing...if it stays good...then if can be something that isn't part of my dark place and is just part of my life. And that would just be wonderful.