Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Can I Have My Uterus Back Please?

So as most of you know...one of my cancer complications was a total hysterectomy. Shocking to the 31 year old me. My boyfriend at the time was devastated but not nearly like I was. It was far worse on me than my mastectomy. Cutting off my breasts was them cutting out the rest of my cancer. And then a bizarre twist of fate, a complication of my Tamoxifen, and just overall shit luck and I'm in the hospital with larger than grapefruit sized tumors on both ovaries. But the doctor swore she would be able to save one and preserve my ability to have kids. I was 31. My whole life ahead of me. Of course I wanted the fairy tale of getting remarried and having another baby. But fate dealt me another hand and took that away from me. My depression was at an all time low.

Fast forward a couple of years to my 5 year old begging me for a baby sister. He wanted a sibling sooooooo badly. I have tried so many times to explain to him that's not possible. "Remember when Mommy was so sick? Well because I was so sick I can't have more babies."

That hasn't stopped his persistence. Which is pure hell on me. And makes me so angry at cancer all at the same time. Yes I'm saying it...it just isn't fair. You fight for your life and you live but you pay the price time and time again.

Fast forward to tonight. I get a call from my ex-husband. He needs to talk. Why? Because his 36 year old girlfriend is pregnant. And they are getting married in Vegas April 28th. Of 2012. Wait what?!

The man who destroyed me and left me with nothing gets a redo. And gets to give our son whom I'VE raised his dream of a brother or sister. While I'm left dealing with the aftermath of cancer and raising E.

So tonight I'm angry and I'm screaming and crying that it's not fair. Because I wanted another baby. And cancer robbed me of that. I can never give my son his dream. But my ex who abandoned us for 2+ years can.

Good for them. And I'm hurt, angry, pissed, and want to punch cancer in the face! Give me back my Uterus u evil bitch cancer so I can have a baby.

Tomorrow I will be the bigger person and be happy for ex hubs and fiancee. Tonight I hate cancer and everything it takes from us all!!!!!

21 comments:

  1. I am crying and mad and hurting for you. No one deserves that hell, but especially a person as amazing as you are. Sending hugs and cyber wine. Love you so much

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    1. Thank you sweetie. It was such a blow. It's been 5 days and it's still not any easier to swallow!

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  2. I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine what a gut punch those words must have been. Sending you love...

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  3. My wife had her surgery in 2009. It wasn't cancer but an emergency situation. We are a blended family. None of the 3 daughters are from our DNA, together. Yet, I think our family is perfect.

    My wife has to watch so many other people have babies and I know it's rough on her.

    I think this makes your little boy extra special. He was meant to be yours.

    Please hang in there and stay strong. I know how hard this is because of my wife. Feel the love you have from your son and boyfriend.

    Bless your heart

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    1. Thank you for sharing this Lance. I had no idea. It is definitely hard. I love my family but I just always thought I would have liked to have another. Or AT LEAST the option of making the decision. I think that's the worst part of it. Cancer took away my ability to have any control over my own body! XOXO Sweetie!

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  5. I was looking for words to make you feel better, and realized that for the first time, I had no words that will take away your pain. I also realized that it hurts me to see you hurting. There are no words that I can say to stop it. But, I can say I will always be here to support you in any way I can.

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    1. You are such a great friend! I am so lucky to know you!!

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  6. I feel your anger and pain through your words. I also had a hysterectomy at 31 - though not because of cancer. Iknow the feeling of being robbed, the unfairness of just having to live with what might have been, and the grief of the loss of possibility. It sucks. And you're allowed to just say it and feel it. Hugs.

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    1. Hysterectomy at 31 = NOT EVEN FAIR! No matter the reason! I am glad you shared this with me. It's so nice that I know others out there that understand my pain and grief.

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  7. no no no no no no no

    "The man who destroyed me and left me with nothing gets a redo."

    FUCK NO! HE COULD NEVER DESTROY YOU. Never. You have proven that again and again and again. Take a look at your photos, of you at the 3-day, of you with E, your posts telling your doctors to fuck themselves. Sheeit girl, you have everything and infinite strength and more. Him? He's a family tree branch. You're the root. And the nut, btw hee hee. :D LOVE YOU!!

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  8. I love you so much. I wish I could say more that would help, but I love you. Allie, he may have done a lot of shitty things to you, but over the last year I have gotten to know a person who is strong, brave, courageous, outrageous, amazing, beautiful, generous and above all -- kind. You have to see all of that. He put you through hell and you came out better on the other side. He gave you your baby.

    I know how much you want the option of another kiddo. I know you can't do it naturally, but I don't for a second think that every door is closed.

    YOU of all people deserve more happiness. You make the world a better place just by being in it.

    I love you. <3

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    1. You totally just made me tear up girl! You are such an amazing person and my life is better with you in it! I can't wait to see you in Chi-town! I love you so much. Thank you for being such a great friend!

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  9. Crying for you. I have nothing to say that's good enough but I'm thinking of you and sending you so much love. I'm so sorry.

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  10. Allie, I'm so sorry you're going through this. There's probably nothing I can say that will make you feel better. Just hang in there and keep being a great mom.

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    1. Thank you honey! Just knowing I have so much love and support means the world to me!

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  11. Again, cancer is an asshole . . . and your ex isn't much higher on the list.

    But, if you ever wanted to explore methods of parenthood, outside of pregnancy, I'm only en email away.

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    1. John you are SO right! And maybe one day we will discuss! You rock my socks!

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