So as most of you know...one of my cancer complications was a total hysterectomy. Shocking to the 31 year old me. My boyfriend at the time was devastated but not nearly like I was. It was far worse on me than my mastectomy. Cutting off my breasts was them cutting out the rest of my cancer. And then a bizarre twist of fate, a complication of my Tamoxifen, and just overall shit luck and I'm in the hospital with larger than grapefruit sized tumors on both ovaries. But the doctor swore she would be able to save one and preserve my ability to have kids. I was 31. My whole life ahead of me. Of course I wanted the fairy tale of getting remarried and having another baby. But fate dealt me another hand and took that away from me. My depression was at an all time low.
Fast forward a couple of years to my 5 year old begging me for a baby sister. He wanted a sibling sooooooo badly. I have tried so many times to explain to him that's not possible. "Remember when Mommy was so sick? Well because I was so sick I can't have more babies."
That hasn't stopped his persistence. Which is pure hell on me. And makes me so angry at cancer all at the same time. Yes I'm saying it...it just isn't fair. You fight for your life and you live but you pay the price time and time again.
Fast forward to tonight. I get a call from my ex-husband. He needs to talk. Why? Because his 36 year old girlfriend is pregnant. And they are getting married in Vegas April 28th. Of 2012. Wait what?!
The man who destroyed me and left me with nothing gets a redo. And gets to give our son whom I'VE raised his dream of a brother or sister. While I'm left dealing with the aftermath of cancer and raising E.
So tonight I'm angry and I'm screaming and crying that it's not fair. Because I wanted another baby. And cancer robbed me of that. I can never give my son his dream. But my ex who abandoned us for 2+ years can.
Good for them. And I'm hurt, angry, pissed, and want to punch cancer in the face! Give me back my Uterus u evil bitch cancer so I can have a baby.
Tomorrow I will be the bigger person and be happy for ex hubs and fiancee. Tonight I hate cancer and everything it takes from us all!!!!!
5 days ago